Monday, April 13, 2009

Pets Half Off with Dismembership
Were Letting All of Our Pets Go Cheap


All sizes, breeds and colors, sold by the pound. Guaranteed no more than 50% tabbies, 15¢ per pound, buy 400 pounds or more get a free scratchy toy.


Carry ‘em in your pocket, in your purse, or in the glove box. only $5.95 each

–≈≈(ˇ◊ˇ)≈≈– –≈≈(ˇ◊ˇ)≈≈– –≈≈(ˇ◊ˇ)≈≈– –≈≈(ˇ◊ˇ)≈≈– –≈≈(ˇ◊ˇ)≈≈–

Feeder Mice—Fresh or Frozen $2.99 per lb.
Great eating for snakes, iguanas, cats, kids love ‘em too. available whole or mashed.
Hissing Madagascar Cockroaches!
Friendly, Housebroken, Great Cuddly Countertop Companions, $10.00 each

(>'.')> (>'.')> (>'.')> (>'.')> (>'.')> (>'.')> (>'.')> (>'.')> (>'.')>

POPPIN’ PETS—Edible Pettables you love and eat!
• Krunchy Korean Style Kitties!
• Puppy Puffs!
• Hamsterburgers!
• Popcorn Gerbils!
• Tropical Fish Fillets!
• Turtle Tots!
• Finger Finches!
• Snackin’ Snakes!
• Toaster Geckos!
• Mice Milk (Original or reduced pulp)
• Try Our Fresh Squeezed Dog Milk & Cat Milk
• Also Dog Butter delivered daily from Doggy Dairy Farms
Try our new Breakfast Pets:
• Honey Bunches of Rats
• Mutt ‘n Honey Cereal the barking part of a complete breakfast!
Love ‘em and Scarf ‘em! See menu for prices.

{°o°} {°o°} {°o°} {°o°} {°o°} {°o°} {°o°} {°o°} {°o°} {°o°}

De-Euthanized Puppy & Dog Sale!

Revived from the SPCA dumpster, in cosmetically perfect condition, many with little or no brain damage, Guaranteed dead no more than five minutes, we zap ‘em back to life, they never know the difference and neither will you. Very few returns. Make perfect lap dogs, safe for small children, Great for no-bite watch dogs, Easy to train for some tricks such as: sit, play dead, or stay. HUGE SAVINGS! de-euthanized pets are great for short term pet lovers, easily put down with a sudden scare. No pacemaker fakes. Real living pets for a fraction of the cost!

Mange, Fleas or Burrs—For whatever reason these perfectly good cats had to be shaved so we’re selling them as low as $2.00 ea. Ugly but cuddly, we shave ‘em and ship ‘em.

Wont runaway or scratch the furniture. Free skate board included.

≥{+_+}≤ ≥{+_+}≤ ≥{+_+}≤ ≥{+_+}≤ ≥{+_+}≤ ≥{+_+}≤

Specially weighted to not float at the top of the tank. Save on fish food, just hitch them up to living fish with invisible line (included) and they look alive! Daisy chain them in schools. Preserved for long “life” and durability. Kids can take them out and play with them for extended periods, then toss ‘em back!

><((((o> ><((((o> ><((((o> ><((((o> ><((((o> ><((((o>

Re-FUR-bished Pets!
• Re-Barked Dogs
• Re-Clawed Cats
• Deminiaturized Dobermans
• Unfolded Scottish Folds
• Cropped Ear and Tail Transplants
• Unspayed & Un-Neutered Breeders of all species.

`˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´

Be a seeing-eye person and own one of these adorable sight-free pets. Just as lovable as sighted pets but they can stay in the room during those “intimate moments” without the awkwardness of a pet watching, tilting his head, licking his chops, begging, or other embarrassing reactions to your ‘private activities’. Perfect for dating singles with fast turnaround because they won’t recognize recent exes and blow your cover. Pre-blinded or pick one of our regular dogs and we’ll blind it while you wait. Some even read braille! (also available: Hearing impaired “Dumb” dogs and olfactory impaired “Non-sniffers”

( '.' ) Buy 2 get 100 FREE (allow 4 weeks for delivery)

• Come down and sift through our huge bin of discarded animals that have been harmed in the making of cosmetics, pharmaceuticals, and food additives.
• Pick through the unsalvageables and find many cuddly adorable pets with only minor rashes or internal organ damage. Some may even be completely unharmed!
• Fun for the kids while you shop. You never know what you’ll find. All unsorted: we don’t check ‘em, we just collect ‘em from labs and toss ‘em in the bin.
• No returns, refunds or repairs on testers please. All sales are final, sold-by-weight “as is.”

PEPE'S PET WORLD...Where we don't feel pain the way they do!

by numbsain

Monday, March 2, 2009

by numbsain

It’s time to clear the cobwebs out of the old gray matter and see if you can shake anything loose from your tired old memory banks. Goldmind's Unwind is going to make you think today but its for your own good. You’ll be given a pop quiz later.

Haley Joel Osment (Sixth Sense) said:
1. I smell dead people.
2. I find dead people very sexy.
3. I see growth opportunities in the consumer electronics market.
4. I see dead people.

Porky Pig (Looney Tunes) said:
1. Abadee-abadee-abadee that’s all folks.
2. Homina-homina-homina I’m outta here.
3. Uh-h-h, duh, uh-duh-h-h-buh huh-uh...
4. Um, um, um, wait, no, er, um, there was something else I wanted to say...I think.

Bugs Bunny (Looney Tunes) said:
1. Where’s Waldo?
2. Wussup Foo’?
3. What’s goin’ down, nurse?
4. What’s up, doc?

Roger Moor (James Bond) said:
1. Shaken, not stirred
2. Shake ‘N Bake! And I helped!
3. Pureéd not Frapped.
4. Agitated, not gyrated

Wesley Snipes (White Men Can’t Jump) said:
1. You’re darn tootin’!
2. You ain’t just diddlin’ Trixie!
3. You’re damned skimpy with the cheese! Put some cheese on that bad boy!
4. You’re damn skippy!

Tom Hanks (Forrest Gump) said:
1. My mama always said, “Life is like a bucket of fresh squeezed chickens milk.” I have no idea why my mama said that.
2. My mama always said, 'Life was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.'
3. My cousin always said, “Have you ever had an root beer enema?”
4. My mama is so stupid, her son was born a retard.

The Hal 9000 computer (2001: A Space Odyssey) said:
1. Dave, I just love that shirt on you! is it Com de Garcon?
2. Dave, I’ve been watching you and I think you’re one sexy spaceman!
3. Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.
4. Dave, does this memory card make my ass look fat?

Arnold Schwarzenegger (in The Terminator) said:
1. Dos tacos al pastor y horchata por favor.
2. Hasta la vista, baby.
3. Yo quiero taco bell, pinche putto.
4. See you real soon, pumpkin.

Oliver Hardy (in Laurel and Hardy)said:
1. Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve made. Clean it up!
2. Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!
3. Well, here’s another milkbone biscuit, go chew on it!
4. Well, here’s another nice dress I can no longer fit into!

Colin Clive (as Dr. Henry Frankenstein) said:
1. It’s Live! From Madison Square Garden!
2. The Hills Are A-live With the Sound of Mu-sic...
3. Is it still alive? Ew! Kill it, squish it, Igor!...Did you get it? It’s on ME NOW! EEEEEEK! GET IT OFFA ME! Yechh! I hate kittens!
4. It’s alive! ALIVE!

Dustin Hoffman (in The Graduate) said:
1. Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?
2. Mrs. Robinson, could you let go of my penis? You’re going to break it.
3. Mrs. Robinson, weren’t you around when, like, Jesus roamed the Earth?
4. Mrs. Butterworth, You’re trying to grease me up and take me home. Aren’t you?

Roy Scheider (in Jaws) said:
1. You're gonna need a bigger boat.
2. You gonna eat that chicken? Do you mind if I do?
3. You’re gonna need to speak up, I’ve got meat in my ears.
4. You’re gonna need to milk that goat.

Robert Duvall (in Apocalypse Now) said:
1. I love the smell of pee-pee in the morning
2. I love the smell of daffodils in spring.
3. I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
4. I love the smell of Folgers in the morning.

Harrison Ford (in Star Wars) said:
1. May I force it in you?
2. May the crabs of a thousand hookers infest your undershorts.
3. May the force be with you.
4. May your dreams be merry and bright... and may all your testicles be white.

Claude Rains (in Casablanca) said:

1. Round up the usual suspects.

2. Go gather all the nuts and berries you can find and put them all in a nice little gift basket then throw in a dead squirrel and send it to me ex-wife. DO IT NOW!
3. Round off the edges a little and put it in the baby’s playpen.
4. Get some guys off the street, tie their dicks together and drive an ice cream truck past them. Oh they’ll cooperate all right.

Lauren Bacall (in Casablanca) said:
1. Louie, I think you should just lay low before somebody breaks wind of this.
2. Louis, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.
3. Louis, I think this is the part where you boink me.
4. Froot Loops is the fun part of this complete breakfast.

Tracy Lords (in any porn she was in) said:
1. Ooo-o-oh, oh, oh, (slurp) OOOH! Mmm-m-mm...
2. Ooo-o-oh, oh, oh, (slurp-GULP!!!…Ka-BH-A-AAAARFFF! kak) You fuckin’ PIG! I told you: NOT IN MY MOUTH!
3. Ha ha-ha-ha-ho-ho-hee-hee-hoo-hoo! Aha-ha-ha!
4. OW! Dammit, not in the butt you retard.

Judy Garland (in Wizard of Oz) said:
1. There’s no place that serves booze at this time of night.
2. There’s no place to put your drink? Forget it, I didn’t want to see this movie anyway.
3. There’s no booze at home.
4. There’s no place like home.

Bette Davis (in All About Eve) said:
1. Fasten your seat-belts, I’ve had a lot to drink.
2. Tighten my girdle, I’m looking bumpy tonight.
3. Fasten your seat-belts, it's going to be a bumpy night.
4. Fasten your seat-belts and put your tray in the upright position. In the unlikely event of a water landing your seat cushion may be used as a floatation device...

An actor (in King Kong) said:
1. Oh no, it wasn’t the airplanes, it was trans-fat that killed the beast.
2. Oh no, it wasn’t the airplanes, it was beauty that killed the beast.
3. Oh no, it wasn’t the airplanes, it was bad special effects that killed the beast.
4. Oh no, it wasn’t those airplanes, it was the one that was obstructing his colon.

Humphrey Bogart (in Casablanca) said:

1. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she’s gotta pick one with 

2. Of all the sock drawers in all the dressers in all the rooms, she’s digging through
mine. C’mon ma, get the hell outta there! Oh great, she found my pot.

3. Of all the butt holes of all the guys in the whole prison, he thinks mine is the prettiest.

4. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

James Cagney (in White Heat) said:
1. Ma, I made it! Oh shit! Now there’s no toilet paper! Maaaaa!...
2. Ma, I made it at school…It’s a beautiful necklace for you…out of macaroni.
3. Ma, I made it…Top of the world!
4. Ma, I made it…Yes I used a condom!

Bonus Pop Quiz
As promised, you get to test your knowledge of carbonated beverages.

Which soft drink precedes their name with the word “Yahoo” in their slogan?
a. Elvis Goo
b. Yoo-hoo
c. Mountain Dew
d. Wally’s Pig Swill-ade

What was the illegal drug that was included in the original CocaCola recipe?
a. Heroin
b. Crack
c. Lysergic Acid Diethylamide
d. Cocaine

When Ray Charles say’s “You got the right one baby,” to what is he referring?
a. One of his testicles
b. The smaller of the two bags of heroin
c. Pepsi Cola
d. The hotel room door on which Paris Hilton has just knocked

What popular soda brand name includes a number and a direction?
a. 5-south
b. 7-up
c. 66-west
d. 4-Go down the hall, make a left, it’s your first door on the right, you can’t miss it.

What is the name of the soda that contains negative subliminal messages?

a. Joe Killyan’s Root Beer (containing the words “Kill ya”)

b. Diet Coke (containing the words (Die ok)

c. Jify Oudie Whocarester Ginger Ale (containing the words “if yOu die Who cares”)

d. Orange Rush (contains the word “anger”)

What soft drink offers twice the caffeine of Coke?
a. Jumpy’s Coffee Soda
b. Schwing-a-Ling
c. Jitter Juice
d. Jolt Cola

Which of the following is the correct soda brand name?
a. Mr. Pepper
b. Uncle Pepper
c. Señor Pepper Gonzalez
d. Dr. Pepper

Which of the following is the correct soda brand name?
a. Sierra Swill
b. Sierra Cola
c. Sierra Mist
d. Sierra Madre

Which of the following is the correct soda brand name?
a. Splat
b. Splooge
c. Whizz
d. Squirt

Which of the following is the correct soda brand name?
a. Mother-In-Law’s Root Beer
b. Step Sis’s Root Beer
c. Second Cousin Twice Removed’s Root Beer
d. Dad’s Root Beer

Movie Quotes Quiz Answers: 4,1,4,1,4,2,3,2,2,4,1,1,3,3,1,2,1,4,3,2,4,3
Pop Quiz Answers: c,d,c,b,b,d,d,c,d

By numbsain…better learning through cheating.

Friday, January 30, 2009

From the United States Postal Service

We have a tradition at Goldmind's Unwind where every milennium we steal a random letter from the post office and post it on the blog. You'd be amazed at how stupid some of these letters are. Here's this millenniums pick.
Hi Naomi!
It’s been so long! I thought I'd update you! On everything new! and exciting! in my life! Well, spring is here again! And I'm knee deep in love! Their names are Louie! and Rickie!! They're conjoined twins!!! And they're connected at the back!!!! Wow!!!\ ¡/*·_.··. . . . ... (Shit@ I just broke my exclamation mark key) Anyway, I think they might really be the two% They're quite affluent but I love them for who they are$ (Look, just assume I'm really excited). They're so attentive and one of them is always emotionally available. I know it’s real because when I put my arms around one of them I feel a connection.

They do have their differences, Louie is a morning person and goes jogging at 6 am but Rickie likes to sleep in so I got louie a treadmill and turned it on its side. We're always together and all that attention is a bit much but at least they have their shit together so I get a little time to myself. It's tough for them being conjoined at the back but God was good to them and they're both oriented the same way. We’re taking ballroom dance classes every Wednesday. It’s not easy when your partner has two left feet. But they have two right feet too so I know they’re stable.

I'd draw you a picture but every time I do I feel I'm being disrespectful. I think it's my cartoony drawing style. The only big problem is the separation thing. You see, they felt they had to get in touch with their own kind so they moved to Siam. I may move there too. Partly to be with them, and also because I like being in different, unfamiliar surroundings and in Siam, I am.

Other good news I'm pregnant (damn, I sure could have used that exclamation mark key right there) with ideas for my new business. One is to open a Mexican fish market where everyone is Mexican and it really smells fishy inside and we'll have the little eyes on all the fish, (I'll have to find out where you get those) and everyone speaks Mexican so it really has that ethnic feeling to it. It’ll be called “Marisco’s Mexican Fish” Won't that be cute?

I'm also thinking of an internet cafe where people can log on and drink virtual coffee and have E-scones and E-clairs. Anyway I'm off to my LOL therapy session. The therapist is a recovering stand up comedian who was so dead pan that he hit bottom and then he developed LOL (I wasn’t laughing because he developed, I was saying he developed LOL…Like LOL is what he developed). It’s based on the old saying, “laughter is the best medicine.” Now he helps others with LOL therapy. It’s fun; we do a lot of lolling around and if we’re good we get lollypops but I want to go while there’s a loll in traffic.

Write soon, and any other words you can think of, Love Mom


Isn't that the stupidest letter you've ever read? Thanks for visiting and come back again real soon y'hear? Y'hear? ARE YOU STILL HERE?

Monday, January 26, 2009

Hilda & Tilda

Hilda: I’m a big fat liar.
Tilda: Why do you lie.
Hilda: I don’t.
Tilda: You just said you were a liar.
Hilda: I lied.
Tilda: So then you admit it.
Hilda: Admit what?
Tilda: That you’re a liar.
Hilda: No I don’t.
Tilda: Then why did you say you do.
Hilda: Do what?
Tilda: Lie.
Hilda: Okay, I’m a liar.
Tilda: There you see, you admitted you're a liar.
Hilda: You told me to lie.
Tilda: When?
Hilda: Five lines back. you said, “Lie.” So I did.
Tilda: What did you lie about?
Hilda: I lied about being a liar.
Tilda: So then you’re not a liar?
Hilda: Yes.
Tilda: Yes what?
Hilda: Yes I’m not a liar, I agreed with you.
Tilda: About what?
Hilda: About me not being a liar.
Tilda: Are you sure?
Hilda: Sure I’m sure.
Tilda: You’re not lying are you?
Hilda: No, I’m not lying.
Tilda: Prove it.
Hilda: I’m a liar.
Tilda: What?
Hilda: You said, “prove it.” So I told the truth.
Tilda: The truth?
Hilda: Yes I did not lie, the truth is that I’m a liar.
Tilda: How does that prove anything.
Hilda: If I was a liar, do you think I would admit it?
Tilda: No.
Hilda: Then I proved that I’m not a liar because I admitted I lied.
Tilda: Oh. Then I guess I can trust you.
Hilda: With what?
Tilda: Well I have to ask you a question and I want an honest answer from someone who doesn’t lie. Since you proved you’re not a liar, I can trust you to tell me the truth.
Hilda: Yup. Go ahead, ask me anything.
Tilda: Does my ass make my ass look fat?
Hilda: A little maybe.
Tilda: Hilda! When somebody asks you a question like that you're not supposed to tell the truth!

By numbsain…The truth will set your can of worms free.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


(Tee hee giggle)
Hi there handsome…
My name if Krissy and guess what?
(Tee hee) today's your lucky day!
I'm gonna let you see my boobies! Uh-huh.
You like boobies don't you? (giggle)
I thought so and mine are extra bi-i-i-g and special!
Ahahaha There! How do you like these?
Huh? Pretty nice aren't they? Ah-ah-ah, don't touch!
Hands to yerself mister. You can look all you want but no touchies.
Oo-ooh-ooh Have you ever seen a set of boobies this big before?
Prob'ly not cause mine are the best! So round and firm…
and just look at how they bounce, (tee hee!) Wo-o-OW huh?
Ooh I just love it when guys look at them (tee hee) look, look how my pretty pink nipples got all hard and stick out so much. Oh I'm so embarrassed now everyone knows I'm horny. Oopsies! I guess I am kind of a dirty little whore sometimes.
Oh well I can't help it! (giggle hee hee)
Ooh! I just got an idea! you know what I'm gonna do now?
I just gotta take my pants off too! Ooh yah! (tee hee) here I go-o-oo!
Whoopsy daisy! Ha ha can you see my butt now? Oooh yah I bet you like it huh?
Ooh I like that you like it…Uh oh, now what did I tell you about hands?
That's a no no. But you can feast your eyes on all of me!
W-o-o-ow nice huh? Here, let me spread it for you so you can see E-e-everything!
Gosh I'm such a slut I just cant help myself! Ohh! Peekaboo Ha ha ha hee hee
Did you see what I did? I'm a naughty girl huh? Look I'll even show you my pretty pink shaved vagina! It's so tight and steamy in there!
Gosh I can't believe I'm just standing here totally naked letting you see every inch of me! All naked and jiggly! (Tee hee!)
Ooh look, look at my pussy cat. See how wet I am?
Ooh this feels Go-o-ood, Oh! Oh! faster faster! I'm sorry I can't help it! I…I… I think I'm gonna co…co…(gasp) Come! Oh yes I'm coming, I'm Coming! LOOK AT ME I'M COMING FOR YOU! OH! OH! NNNG! YES! YESSSS! Yeah! Ooh
oops! Look what I did. I gotta go! (Tee hee) bye bye!

Hey Ray who was that girl? Man, she was hot!…but why are you crying Mr. Charles?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Illustrated by Numbsain

Note: Thousands of innocent ticks were harmed in the making of this comic.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The last minute 13 seconds in the life of a truck driver

2:35:12 pm

I'd been driving non-stop for 6 days with only brief naps on the straight stretches of highway. Whenever the road started to curve the rocks and gravel under my wheels always woke me up. But this time it was different. I only felt that rumble for a moment and then the road got real smooth again. The smoothest ever in fact. So smooth it lulled me into a deep sleep.

I had a dream that my rig could fly and I was making a delivery but I couldn’t remember where. I looked back and my flatbed was piled high with cherub parts, wings, heads, pudgy little arms and what not. They were strapped down with netting to keep them from rolling off the truck and littering the sky. For some reason I was happy to be making this delivery, although I have no idea what they wanted with all those pieces of cherubim.

I was tired but I had a sack full of giant bennies, y’know those little white crosses only these were about the size of frisbees and I was eatin’ ‘em like cookies. Just taking big bites out of 'em and then I’d get a burst of energy. Sure was a smooth ride; no potholes or rough pavement. Nothing like the road I was on before I fell asleep—a curvy treacherous mountain pass with a rock wall on one side, sheer cliff on the other side. Had to stay alert or I’d go flying right off the edge. How did I get on this smooth easy road? Oh yeah I fell asleep.

Wait a minute! I suddenly got a bad feeling and it woke me up out of the dream.
I looked out the windshield and just as I feared, the reason the road was so smooth was because I’d driven right off it. Over the cliff. Oh shit. I fucked up. And it was a tanker full of 60,000 gallons of jet fuel. Here I was with the road behind me flying through the air with an outdoor rock concert festival directly below me.

And the worst thing about it was that my wife and kids were at that concert. “Rock the Cliff” I think it was called. A bunch of popular bands were playing there and the kids really wanted to go so my wife took ‘em. I started to think about my wife and how much I loved her. About 3 times a week but it was never enough for me, I would have every night if she’d let me. Damn. How sad that I’ll never see her again. And my kids. I never really liked them very much, but still, I kinda got used to them and I guess they were kinda cute, if you like kids. Felt kinda bad for them cause they kinda worshipped me. Hmm! Aah, fuck ‘em. I was getting close to the festival at the bottom of the cliff, pretty much in an out-of-control free fall.

Wow there sure are a lot of people down there. They look like they’re scared of something. Why are they all fleeing with looks of horror on their faces. Oh of course! It’s me in my truck they’re trying to get away from. But they’re really moving slow. Hey look! There’s my wife! Honey! Hey honey, it’s me! What’s the matter honey, why do you look so scared? Oh yeah, me again. Sorry honey there’s really nothing I can do about this. It’s in gravity’s hands now! Gee she looks hot even when she’s scared shitless. God it’s too bad I can’t just do her one more time. There was that one time last summer in the cabin when we did it really good. I mean, it was probably the best sex anyone has ever had. We both remembered to take a shower and brush our teeth first. It lasted exactly 4 minutes, I came and I think she might have even come to and then we didn’t say a word to each other afterward and she went straight to the kitchen and made me a sandwich. Damn I love that women. That was a helluva good sandwich. Hmm, ah memories…Do I have time for a song? Nah probably not.

I wonder if I’ll survive the impact at least long enough to screw my wife once. Nah, I’m gonna land right on top of her looks like so she’ll get pretty messed up too. Shit, she can’t even get in the mood if she has a hangnail. Oh well. Oh there’s my kids. Hi guys! It’s me yer dad. I kinda fucked up and went off the road! Isn’t this a coincidence that I just happen to land right on top of you guys? These are my kids. This is Jamey and the little one's Keith. Hey there Keithy! Yeah I know. Sorry about the truck pressing down on your face. Kinda heavy huh? Yeah daddy’s sorry. Oh I don’t think he heard that; he’s pretty much flattened. Oh there goes my wife. My front tank hit her right in the eye. Ow! Sorry honey! My bad. Aah, she’s gone. Oh look Jamey's getting away…nope, the flames engulfed her.

Hey that’s weird, my skin is turning black and melting right off my bones! That is totally weird! Feels really strange, what is that? Oh it’s just really intense pain. Amazing! I never felt pain like that before. Wait what’s happening now? Everything went black. And now I think my brain is burning up cause I can’t…

2:36:25 pm

By numbsain“numbsain—Why?”

Use of the words “cherubim” “frisbee” and “shitless” was made possible by a grant from the National Foundation for the Arts and Mr. & Mrs. Fred Brimball. All other words used were done so at the authors own risk.

No truck drivers were consulted to ensure accuracy of facts herein.
An acceptable number of animals were killed in the making of this story.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

From “Paines Acres” Senile Living Community

Well, now that I'm gittin' up on into my twilight years it pert near just about seems pretty darn silly to make up a whole heap o' mess o' load o' demands and expectations and goals and commitments and…why did it get so dark in here?…Nurse?…I'm outta here… [brrap] …No I guess I'm still here. Just a little gas. Thought it was the ticker.
—Bucky Fartzmueller, 99

My News Week Resolution is to find a magic bean sprout and tie my penis around it so I can fly through barn doors without losing my green teeth. We built tunnels when the sales margin started to snow in the kittens stomach. Hot damn that’ll get the sergeant to quit making those tiny bugle noises with his butt cheeks while I’m trying to read the laxative box.
—Brebidiah Faulkner, 97

I intend to step up my workout regimen and get my ticker back in ship shape. I’ll increase my sit-ups to one a day, I’m benching 200 right now—gonna try to get that up to 250 acorns—keeping the weight light so I don’t bulk up too much, Then I’ll bump up my squats to three sets of one rep each. Then we’ll see who sploshes the bedpans.
—Andy Doohickey, 89

This year I’m going to lose the walker and take up jogging…in the nude. Maybe meet a babe in the park—have a fling in the bushes…or over her shoulder and take me home, heh-heh.
—Fred Castors, Deceased

I’m gonna resolve to find that doctor that did that prostate surgery on me while I was sleeping and have him reverse it. The damn thing hasn’t worked since and I used to be a major stud. I want my manhood back dammit!
—Earl Perkins, 92

Well, I don’t much cotton to resolutions. Nawp, can’t keep ‘em. Got that there Alzheimer’s syndrum. Don’t even try to do the shoppin’ any more, hoot I’ll come back with the trousers on backwards so I don’t have a…Got a maid service do all my books…don’t read many books anymore. Can’t retain ‘em always running round the yard getting into the feed bins, what’s the use y’know. I’ll tell ya…least I don’t have Alzheimer's
—Barney Fitzdresden, 91

Hoo boy I got some resolutions all right: first thing I need ta do is git me a pair a bowlin’ loafers and try to find my buddies from the league. I got their numbers here somewhere in my rolodex. Huh? Resolutions? Aw no that ain’t possible since I sprained my sciatica.
—Fillmore Weaselbody, 88

Is it New Years Time already? Well I suppose I have to make at least one. I think I should like to take up crocheting. That’s what I’m gonna do and the first thing I’ll crochet is a little lap dog. Oh it’ll be just the cutest little thing settin’ right here on my lap. I’ll crochet him out of that darn cat that’s always snoopin’ around here. That evil thing killed my first three babies. Just last week. Terrible crime. Makes my bowels move just to think on it.
—Estelle Glamencia, 99

You don’t have to tell me twice, I got one for ya. So a man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. Proceeds to climb up on the picnic table there and asks if anybody from the audience would let him put his pecker in their mouth. So this dizzy blond bimbo from the back o’ the plane says, “Ooh teacher, teacher, I’ll do it! Just don’t hit me in the head so hard. Hyah-hah-hah! Aha-hah-hyuk-hyuk! Don’t cha get it she says, …aw now did I…No I didn’t tell it right, DAMMIT! There goes the brain. Brains always the first to go.
—Rosco Miters, 86

I don’t make new years resolutions on account of I can’t remember ‘em. In Fact I can’t even remember what you just asked me did you say I needed to change my colostomy bag? I don’t ever do it on account of I can’t remember. What’s that smell?
—Fenester Cullpickett, 106

by numbsainjust a snatchgrab away from being a doddering old wrinkle vendor himself!

Friday, December 26, 2008

More Jokes About Yo Mama

Not all mama's take these jokes well. The one on the left thinks they're funny but still tried to kill us by summoning the devil from her upper digestive tract. The one on the right liked them but we stuck something up her ass right before taking this picture.

Yo mama’s so stupid got stuck on an escalator for 3 hours.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to the gym and fell down the stairmaster.

Yo mama’s so stupid she applied for a job as a speed bump.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got fired from her job as a speed bump.

Yo mama’s so stupid when a bum asked for spare change she gave him the number for AAA.

Yo mama’s so stupid she ate a food stamp sandwich for lunch.

Yo mama’s so stupid she took the goldfish for walkies and drowned the dog.

Yo mama’s so stupid she ran on a treadmill and got lost.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to a restaurant and had the salad bar.

Yo mama’s so stupid, the freezer broke so she set the oven to 32 Fahrenheit.

Yo mama’s so fat she hosted a bachelor party and the cake popped out of her.

Yo mama’s so stupid, in kindergarten she flunked milk and cookies.

Yo mama’s so stupid she had road rage and lost her wedding ring.

Yo mama’s so stupid she put the coconut in the lime and mixed it all around.

Yo mama’s so ugly when she went to get a face lift the doctor needed a spotter.

Yo mama’s hair is so thin that she combed over her pubes.

Yo mama’s so fat the furniture keeps disappearing.

Yo mama’s so fat she uses Feng Shui to dress herself.

Yo mama’s so fat they call her Moby Cunt.

Yo mama’s so ugly she’s called the Hunchfront of Notre DAMN!

Yo mama’s breasts are so saggy they smeared her toenail polish.

Yo mama’s breast are so saggy she had to pull down her drawers to nurse you.

Yo mama’s breast are so saggy she can throw them over her shoulder like a continental soldier.

Yo mama’s so fat she calculated her waist with pi.

Yo mama’s so fat she has satellites.

Yo mama’s so fat she has gravity.

Yo mama’s so fat she sat in the jacuzzi and came out dry.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got stung by a spelling bee.

Yo mama’s so stupid she collects ice cubes.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got fired from a blow job

Yo mama’s so stupid the dog taught her to roll over.

Yo mama’s so lazy she made you go get the paddle and spank yourself

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought Michael Jackson was the first woman to walk on the moon.

Yo mama’s so stupid she voted for George Bush again.

by numbsain

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Last Minute Dear Santa Letters

Dear Santa,
If you really deliver all those toys to all those kids in one sleigh, you must have a really BIG one! Can I see it? And the Christmas balls too? Ooh it makes me tinsel just to think about it. I want it Santa, Now!
—Kandy Kaine

Dear Ms. Kaine,
Why don't you come down to Nordstroms on the 24th and ride upon Santa's lap till Christmas Morning You're one toy I definitely won't play with once and then throw in the closet with all my other beezys.

Dear Santa,
under my tree this year, can I have a package of Burpee® Morning Glory Seeds, an ounce of bloodroot, 12 lettuce cores, A gallon of anhydrous ammonia, a pint of ether, a 5 gallon wash basin, a condenser coil, and a half gallon of acetone.

Dear Billy,
nice try. Why don’t I just bring you the 5 grams of angel dust you’re obviously trying to manufacture with those items. You would have failed anyway because you forgot the iodine and the 3 tubes of Vagisil. Your dust would have given you a severe headache for about ten minutes then you’d be dizzy for two or three days.

Dear Santa,

My beeg brother ees een de Meheecan Mafia and my beeg seester is a puta. Dey always breengeen de drawgs and de cerveza and de unsabory elements to de house and dey a bad eenfluence on me and my familia. We wanteen’ to has a nice Feleez Navidad weethout no biolence dees jear but I know, yust like at ebery Chreesmas somebahdy gonna get keeled again.
Can jou do nawtheen to end dees pattern awf biolence and bloodshed?

Dear Peppy,
I cans do nawtheen’ abou’ dat leetle prowlem of jours because I am not Santa Clows. I am Carlos Santana. Jou god de addresses wrong estupido.

Dear Santa,

can you make my daddy stop sodomizing me every night. All I want for Christmas is to have my butt hole left alone.
—Sincerely, fockole
P.S. Could I get a new name also?

Dear Fuckhole,
I have just the item for you. It is a 3 inch diameter tube with one end closed and a wild shrew tied up by his tail inside. All you have to do is shove the closed end up your ass and wait for daddy to make his nightly visit. When he tries to bunghole you he’ll get his johnson ripped to shreds by this small but highly vicious rodent. The nightly reemings should stop after that. All I ask in return is that you let me have a go at that tight little poop chute of yours just once.

Dear Santa,

I’ve heard very bad rumors about one of your reindeer. I can’t remember which one it is but apparently he’s a serial killer! Can you list them just once to see if anything jogs my memory.
—Love, Prudence

Dear Prude,
I’m certain your mistaken but just so you feel better, my reindeer’s names are as follows: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Dahmer, Blitzen.

Dear Santa,

What’s all this I hear about your reindeer being in a violent gang? Is that true.
—Sebastion Cystern

Dear Sebaceous Cyst
Absolutely not! No reindeer working for me would be involved in such things. Here are their time cards...lets see they are: Basher, Masher, Crasher, Git-’em, Vomit, Putrid, Puke-Stupid, and Smith & Wesson!? HEY! THESE AREN’T THE RIGHT REINDEER!

Dear Santa,
I was wondering if you noticed which of the treats I left out for your reindeer they liked the best. Was it the Purina Reindeer Chow kibbles or the Canned wet food, Fungus and Grubworm Reindeer Feast?

Dear Connie,
Whattaya mean reindeer food? That was meant for the reindeer?! *urp*

Santa, dude,

Like what’s up with you these days? I don’t mean to complain or nothin but, dude ya kinda screwed up my order last year. Like big time! I mean some of the items weren’t even close. What happened to Q.C. up there with those short guys? It was like they were on drugs or something, seriously and you’re supposed to check the merchandise out before it goes to the consumer right? So what the fuck happened? Gettin’ a little lax there are we, a little soft in the head maybe? Are you sure your not having a little bout with senility maybe? Dude if you can’t get your shit together this year, don’t bother with our house. What the fuck am I supposed to do with a goddamn Suzy Homemaker Easy-Bake Oven?

Dear Weggie,
Suck my dick.

Dearest Mr. Santa,

I trust this letter finds you in perfect health. I am Triki Kanyvee of Nigeria and a mutual friend with whom business has been done has left me in trust of a large sum for which I have been instructed to dispense with upon arrival of his death in the sum of 5,000,0000, FIVE MILLION dollars American currency. This matter is of the top most secrecy as otherwise the funds will be confriscated by the customs officials of our countries. Please disclose all information about yourself and your financial matters so as to allow the stealing of your identit— I er uh, mean the transfer of said funds immediately. Thank you in earnest kind friend.
Loving tenderly your truly, Triki

Dear Tricky, I hope this infectious bacterial disease bomb letter leaves you in the worst of health. Thank you for delightful love of your mothers mouth and balls

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The staff at Goldminds Unwind is off for the holidays so we had the boys in the mail room recount some of their tired old hackneyed jokes because we figured that would be good enough for you guys. These jokes are as old as kerosene so if you've heard it before, stop reading. Unless you like dragging an old dog through the mud which in and of itself can be pretty freakin' funny. “C'mon Rufus, you can walk you lazy old hound! Put your back into it, boy! Show me what yer made of. What? Have you gone and died on me? Why you mangy old mutt! Thump! Thud! Thubump Take that! And that! I'll teach you to up and die you worthless old sack o' potatoes. All that Alpo gone to waste! Man's best friend, FEH!

Rite of Passage

A boy comes home from his first day of junior high school. His mother asks, “what did you do in school today honey?” The boy replies, “I had sex for the first time.” After a thorough reprimanding the mother informs the boy that he’ll have to answer to his father when he gets home. A few hours later the father comes home and the boy overhears his parents talking in the kitchen. His mother was still really mad but his father didn’t say a word and went straight up to the boys room. “Son?” his father said entering the room and closing the door, “Your mother tells me you had sex at school today, is this true?” “Yes father,” the boy says. “Well I just have one thing to say about that”…the father says with a stern look on his face, “Way to go, son! Your a man now, and don’t tell your mother this but I’m damned proud of you boy. I had sex when I was your age too and it looks like your a chip off the old block. The men in our family always start young, it’s in our genes. Don’t worry about your mom; you did good boy and you’ve done your dad proud. In fact, you know that BMX bike you’ve been wanting for so long? I’m gonna buy it for you as a coming of age gift. How would you like that?”
“Wow that’s great dad!…except it’s gonna be a while before I can ride it,” says the boy.
“Why’s that son?” asks the father.
“My butt’s really sore from having sex today.”

Prison Role Call

A diminutive man of meager stature is sentenced to one year in the state penitentiary and has the misfortune of being assigned to share a cell with Bubba Johnson, the biggest meanest brawniest dude in the joint. The little man enters the cell and quietly slinks over to his cot trying not to make eye contact with Bubba.
After a few minutes, Bubba says, “You wanna play house?”
The man says, “Uh…O-o-okay, I g-g-g guess so.”
Bubba politely asks, “Whattaya wanna be, the mommy or the daddy?”
The man thinks about it for a second and carefully chooses.
“Oh w-w-w-well I think I’d p-p-p-prefer to be the d-d-d-daddy, sir. (gulp),”
So Bubba calmly sits up, pulls down his drawers and says,
“Okay, now come over here and suck mommys dick.”

The Pickle Slicer

A man who works in a deli tells his psychiatrist he has a problem.
“I don’t know what it is doc, I have this overwhelming compulsion to put my penis in the pickle slicer.”
“The doctor is shocked, “Are you crazy, why would you want to do a thing like that?”
The man says, “I just can’t stop thinking about it. Every time I see that pickle slicer I become obsessed with the idea of doing it and I can’t think about anything else for the rest of the day.
The doctor thinks about it and says, “Well I can’t imagine why you want to, but if you’re that obsessed with it, I think your just gonna have to do it and get it out of your system.”
“You really think so doc? Wow! This is gonna be great, thanks doc.”
The next day the man comes home from work early.
His wife asks, “Honey are you all right? You're home so early.”
“I got fired,” the man replies.
“Why?” she asks.
“I put my penis in the pickle slicer,” he says.
“Oh my god! Was the pickle slicer turned on?” she asks.
“Yeah,” he says.
“Well what happened to your penis!?” she asks.
“Nothing,” says the man.
She looks at him puzzled and asks, “Well then what happened to the pickle slicer?”
The man says, “She got fired too.”

Resurrected by numbsain…No, we don't have a mail room.